How could we possibly hope to fight them?

I don't share Jen's loathing of birds, but even I found this rather disturbing:




That's a giant pigeon, standing on a platform in the middle of Trafalgar square, throwing something out to the crowd below.

Wanted: Unemployed ninny with no sense of pride. Must like crowds, heights, and tights. Should be able to fight off/run away from possible angry hoard of pigeons defending their territory. Master's degree preferred.