Dear Stinky Man at the Gym

Editor's Note: This is a reprint of something I wrote a few months ago.

Dear Stinky Man at the Gym,

Hi! We've never formally met, but you'd probably know me as the bleary-eyed brunette on the elliptical machine in the mornings who yawns excessively (sorry about that--it's a side effect of my medication). Now, I understand that people aren't supposed to smell good at the gym--no pain, no gain, right? However, your odor is unique in that it is all-pervasive even before you begin to exercise.

It's not a typical body odor smell, either. I can't quite put my finger on it--maybe like a sea otter that has bathed in Aqua Velva? Or the love child of one of those discount perfume stores and the floor of a bus? Maybe you even have some weird medical condition. Whatever. The origin of your odor does not concern me.

Here's my issue: your unfailing proclivity, no matter how empty the cardio room may be, to hop on the machine right next to me. I know I'm being a wuss when I move to a machine across the room--hey, I try to be polite and wait at least a couple of minutes so that you don't pick up on the correlation between my leaving and the arrival of your all-consuming stench. Still, because I detest the treadmill and must flee the row of elliptical machines like a right-wing Conservative flees reason, I end up on the stationary bike, which is not a great calorie burner.

Thus, I must come to the conclusion that you, Mr. Stinky Man at the Gym, are the root cause of my recent weight gain. I'm going to have to ask you to make some changes. Of course, I am not a dictator! You naturally will have several options, put forth by me, in containing your malodorousness:

1. Stop coming to the gym for your exercise. How about an outdoor activity? Perhaps a sport that requires you to be out in a large body of water all by your lonesome?

2. Replace the cologne you hose yourself down with in the morning with Febreze.

3. Devise some sort of self-containment system--something akin to wearing one of those hamster balls to the gym. I recommend watching The Boy in the Bubble for inspiration.

And finally:

4. Soap: It's Not Just for the Ladies.

I do hope you understand that your cooperation is necessary for my continued health and fitness. I wish you only the best (as long as you keep your distance from me). I'm sure that somewhere out there is a colony of olfactory-challenged villagers who would be glad to welcome you into their fold.

But still: Soap. Seriously.