So I’m listening to Avril Lavigne in the shower this morning. And yes, I can hear you mocking. It's not that I like most of her stuff, it's that I knew it would be pointless to try and find a better option. There's the Jack Diamond Show, which best I can tell is a tiny room overflowing with interns whose sole job is to guffaw loudly at his "jokes." DC 101 always seems to be talking about someone's Often I'll point out something about a song's lyrics, and Jeremy will say something like, "Oh, I never listen to the lyrics." Well, I do. Most are horribly predictable and silly. Some, however, are more inane than others. I give you:
When You're Gone
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
*OK, uninteresting and cheesy. No surprise there.
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
*OCD much? Do you also make him flick the light switch a certain number of times when he leaves?
Do you see how much I need you right now
*Hello?? Are you listening to yourself? He just walked away. He can't see you.
[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
*OK…have you somehow managed to extract your heart, cut it into pieces, and remain living? Did the pieces hold a vote on whether or not to miss him? Is a consensus needed, or just a majority?
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
*Ew. Taken literally, unless this is some kind of Frankenstein's monster situation, this is really disturbing (actually, in both cases it is really disturbing).
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
*Uh…ever heard of a phone?
I miss you
*I think you've made that clear.
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
*OK, assuming the clothes remain where he left them (what a pig, BTW)…you can smell them from the floor? What does he do for a living—Zoologist? Garbage man? Manage a sulfur plant?
[Chorus]
We were made for each other
*More evidence for the Frankenstein theory.
Out here forever
*Out where? Do you live on a nature commune? House boat? Dude ranch?
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
*All of your heart, or just a few pieces?
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
*You're doing a lot of screeching for someone who can "hardly breathe."
[Chorus]
Appalling, right? But sadly, still loads better than listening to Jack Diamond. Even more sadly, "When You're Gone" doesn't hold a candle to the inanity that is "Hey There Delilah." It rhymes "good" with…wait for it…"good." And yet, both songs made millions.
Perhaps I am in the wrong profession.
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