I say we lock ourselves in our room and use that one swear word we know.

I tried to watch the debate last night—I really did. I made it through the “social issues” portion, although in hindsight I wish I had gone to bed during the preceding commercial break. It just made me angry, and I’ve spent enough time being angry lately, for reasons I won’t go into here.

I’m the first to admit, I have a hard time letting things go. I like to think it’s because I’m the descendant of a long line of stubborn “fighting Scots.” But most likely, I’m just kind of a bitch.

Anyway, I knew I wasn’t likely to make it all the way through the debate and through Jon Stewart’s last show. Why? Because I’m not only angry, I’m tired. I love my kid, don’t get me wrong, but he is always on the go, rarely takes a nap, and screams and bangs his head any time he doesn’t get what he wants. What does he want? It includes, but is not limited to:

• the phone/iPad/computer/any wire he can get his hands on;
• my set of Big Bang Theory bobbleheads;
• Jeremy’s giant Lego X-Wing;
• to pull all of the wipes/tissues out of the container;
• to run into the street;
• to lick the bottom of my shoes;
• to mount and ride the dog; and, most often,
• to be released and given free rein in any crowded and/or hazardous public place.

It’s amazing how quickly they transition from “I’m immobile, please feed and clean me” to, “I refuse to stop moving, your new purpose in life is to chase me around and keep me from hurting myself—which I can do in an infinite matter of ways that will never occur to you until they present themselves and I come within an inch of losing a limb.”

So 14-month-olds are hard, because they want to be independent but have no sense of self-preservation. We’ve all heard about the Terrible Twos. I have it on good authority from several people that “all 3-year-olds are assholes,” and a friend whose child recently turned 4 admitted that it’s not much better thus far. And then yesterday, someone told Jeremy that 5-year-olds are the hardest, because they are big enough to do some things for themselves, but still lack any ability to understand reason. Dear God, does it ever stop? Are 6-year-olds prone to building meth labs? Do 7-year-olds specialize in insider training and money laundering? Will 8-year-old Archie attempt to overthrow the government armed with a shiv fashioned from Sophie the Giraffe and a jumbo Crayon?

In short, I’m angry, I’m tired, and if I think past one day at a time, I kind of want to curl up in the fetal position with a tube of cookie dough. But instead, I will go pick up some bobbleheads off the floor and disinfect the bottoms of my shoes. Just in case.

I'm just a girl from a trailer park who had a dream.

Oscar time is almost upon us! Past highlights of my Oscars wardrobe can be found here and here. 

This year’s Oscar dress options:

Option 1. Gucci, $8,800.

Because when you’ve recently had a baby, you want…nay, crave…midriff cutouts. And Manolo Blahnik ($765):

Option 2. Oscar de la Renta, $8,690.

I know what you’re thinking: Really? A mullet dress??

Normally I would agree, but I love the color and structure of this one. Plus, when you’re imaginarily 6 feet tall, you want to show off those gams! Not to mention these fabulous Oscar de la Renta shoes ($1,290):

Option 3. Carolina Herrera, $9,990.

I’ve always wanted to rustle when I walk. This looks like it would do the trick. And how about some more Manolo Blahnik ($1,030):

Decisions, decisions...

I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.

It’s almost imaginary Oscar time! But since I haven’t blogged in a year, and I had a slightly life-changing event occur between my last blog post and now, I figured I should probably address that first before writing my annual post on what can’t-afford-it dress I would wear to the wouldn’t-let-me-near-the-event-with-a-hundred-foot-pole Oscars. So here goes.

To say motherhood started out roughly for me would be an understatement. Archie will be 9 months old in a couple of weeks. It’s simultaneously been the longest and quickest 9 months of my life. I flat-out adore him…now. When he first showed up, I was a depressed, sleep-deprived, “why the hell did I do this?” mess. I never wanted any harm to come to him, but it felt like I had birthed a human Tamogotchi:

Tamagotchis are a small alien species that deposited an egg on Earth to see what life was like, and it is up to the player to raise the egg into an adult creature. The creature goes through several stages of growth, and will develop differently depending on the care the player provides, with better care resulting in an adult creature that is smarter, happier, and requires less attention…The player can care for the pet as much or as little as they choose, and the outcome depends on the player's actions. 

So, no pressure! A parent’s actions are only responsible for the health, wellbeing, and overall happiness of the kid. All I had to do was live my life in 3-hour cycles, pressing the real-life feeding, bathroom, and sleep “buttons.” (The sleep button seemed to malfunction often, BTW. And the bathroom button was highly volatile).

I was afraid to take him anywhere, so I mostly spent my maternity leave on the couch, watching daytime TV and hoping he would just fall/stay asleep. I cried everyday. I hated to nap, because I’d wake up disoriented and, just for a moment, forget he existed…then I’d remember and feel worse than ever.

I’m lucky I have the greatest, most supportive husband in the world. He not only took great care of the baby, but got me the help I needed: counseling and anti-depressants (oh, anti-depressants, my old friend!). And gradually, it got better.

I still don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, but I now have faith that I can figure it out. Archie lights up when I enter the room, and vice versa (he’s also started screaming when I leave the room, which is…less cute). I love my drooly, non-napping, dog-chasing kid. I love that he finds hats hysterical; that he likes to bite feet; that he heads straight for the space heater, or dog bowl, or air vent, or anything else we don’t want him touching, over and over and over. He is weird and funny and adorable and 100% mine.

That being said, I still hear the Hallelujah Chorus most days as he heads off to daycare. Judge me if you must.