Five minutes. Ten if they got dranks.

Today we got rejected by the Salvation Army. Being a total nerd, I expected the organization to be much like the “Save-A-Soul” mission in Guys and Dolls. However, the surly man who showed up at my door to collect used furniture was sadly not in uniform, and there was nary a bass drum in sight.

Apparently our dresser, which has survived 40 years, 10+ moves, and two different, highly impatient females slamming its drawers, is “not resalable” due to some insignificant cracks in its back cover. Of course, this in no way affects the functionality of said dresser; but perhaps people shopping at the Salvation Army have higher standards than, say, my husband and I? Anyway, while Jeremy and I ponder just how in the hell to get this gigantic piece of antiquity down the stairs and out of our house, I would like to proffer some alternative uses for a piece of 100+ pound, six-foot wide, solid oak furniture:

Ferret high-rise. Everybody knows a wacko with a ferret. Some cash-poor ferret wackos could pool their money together and watch their beloved pets/rodents enjoy communal living. We’re talking nine drawers of urban high jinx here, people!

Barricade during a gunfight. Believe me, if Bonnie and Clyde had had this sucker stashed along that fateful rural road, they’d have had another 50 years of robbing banks in front of them.

Anti-theft system. Don’t trust your deadbolt? Gather twelve of your closest friends together to push the dresser in front of your door! Ain’t nothin’ getting in now! (Note: also, nothing will be getting out. Be sure to have a fire extinguisher at the ready).

Horse coffin. Cut out the middle of this baby and you’ve got a mighty fine place for Mr. Ed to spend eternity.

See? The possibilities are endless! The real tragedy here is the Salvation Army’s lack of imagination (not to mention their lack of marching band. Really, really disappointing. Hey, we ALL know you have bells, at the very least!)