Didn't your mother never teach you no manners?

First things first: since we all know that royal weddings are mostly about the clothing (at least for Americans, anyway), here's an in-depth description:

I chose to wear my "I'm a business lover" t-shirt (which was given to me by a former employer who got it for free at a train station), because I had slept in it the night before, and at five-bloody-AM in the morning I had no desire to change. In a nod to tradition and the chilly temperatures, I accessorized with my blue plaid Gap flannel pants. Topping off the look were grimy spectacles and headwear consisting of dirty hair arranged in a "Good God it's early" fashion. And because I recently had a pedicure and my nails are a lovely shade with the non-lovely name "Cajun Shrimp," I went barefoot.

I was planning to watch the wedding coverage on TLC because I love that they had chosen Clinton Kelly and Randy Fenoli as their correspondents (because clearly a royal wedding must be reported on by well-dressed homosexuals), but they weren't constantly showing live footage, and seemed to have pre-recorded a lot, so I switched to NBC, where Matt Lauer apologized for the "Kiss Countdown Clock" to the random Brits they seemed to be interviewing (seriously, was there anyone with a British accent not on TV this morning? Do we need such riveting commentary as, "In Britain, we call soccer 'football'!").

I missed most of the congregational arrivals, but did catch a glimpse of Posh and Becks. Isn't Victoria Beckham supposed to be heavily pregnant by now? She just looked like she has a "cheese baby." And why was she wearing a sprig of licorice on her head?

I also loved the procession of shuttle buses: "Please, obscure royalty, adjust your $500 hats and board the short bus!" Also, they kept describing Kate Middleton's mother's dress as "sky blue." Um, maybe that's sky blue in Britain, but here in America we call that "gray."

I did enjoy the chiming of bells and the trumpet fanfares, and would like to be greeted with same throughout the remainder of my life. I'm glad I didn't get married in Westminster Abbey, though...that's a lot of pressure to walk through a huge church where you could accidentally step on, say, Sir Isaac Newton or Lord Alfred Tennyson.

The vows were surprisingly mainstream, but I had to chuckle: Does anything think "for richer or poorer" will ever really be an issue? The reading was actually the same one that Jeremy and I had at our wedding, although I think the phrase "Do not be haughty," rings a little differently in Westminster Abbey than it does in, say, the First United Methodist Church of Brevard, NC.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the "random British correspondents" on the Today Show:

"It's a shame about Sarah Ferguson--I mean, the Crown Prince of Swaziland is here, but the Duchess of York wasn't even invited!"

"Charles and Camilla are a great love story. He's been in love with her for 40 years! She wasn't his first wife, but nevertheless..."

"Later they will have the private reception, where they can 'boogie' or 'funk it up,' or whatever you Americans call it."

And finally...

"We call ourselves a civilized people, but I just saw someone dressed as an otter."


And now, a photo from my royal wedding. Here I am, being waited on by the royal butler. Oh, wait...